I felt guiltier than she did. It was my job to teach my child to respect people's property, to develop self-control and manners. The problem was, I didn't know how. I'd spent the past year foundering through different methods of discipline, cracking down on one behavior problem only to have another crop up.
Erin was becoming increasingly difficult, and I was losing confidence. I needed coaching, but my mother was back home, across the country; I needed support, but my husband looked to me for answers. I needed information, but there were no courses in parenting available at the local college. I needed something....And then I hit on an idea: our dog needed some training, too, so I signed up for puppy school.
Any Dog Can Be Trained
At the first class, while our passive mutt, Killer, and the other dogs got to know one another by barking, biting, wiggling, and playing, the rest of us watched an amazing display of manners by the huge dog that belonged to Trish, our instructor. At barely discernible cues, the animal sat, came, stayed, ate, and even defended his owner from a mock mugger. "Any dog can be trained," Trish said in response to our applause. "They are very capable of learning. In fact, they have the understanding level of about a two-year-old child. All it takes to raise a well-adjusted, well-behaved puppy is someone who cares."
Over the next few weeks, as Trish gave us sensible guidelines for rearing young dogs, I found that the advice seemed to transfer easily to little persons as well. Especially little persons around two years old.
Week One: Keep Your Puppy on a Loose Leash
A puppy kept on a tight leash doesn't have to take any responsibility for his own actions. He knows his owners are in charge by the constant pull on his neck, and he assumes they will pull him back in line when his behavior becomes bad enough. Secure in this, he doesn't bother thinking about his behavior at all...until he is stopped.
Several days after my first puppy-training class, Erin and I spent a morning at a little park near our home. It has always been a favorite of hers, because it has a tiny stream running through it. I've always detested the place, for the same reason. Our trips there inevitably end with my holding Erin's overall straps tightly as she strains to reach the water, tennis shoes planted in the mud.
This time, however, just as my arms began to ache with fatigue from holding her back, a little voice began to sing in my ear, "Loose leash, loose leash." I let go. Erin happily plunged, knees first, into the mucky water, at which point I announced, "Dirty, wet children can't play at the park. They have to go right home to change." The next time we visited the park, Erin stayed a giant step away from the water's edge.
Week Two: Give a Command Just Once, Then Enforce It
If a puppy is asked more than once to do or not to do something, he learns quickly that ignoring the first request is fine, because there will be many other opportunities to acquiesce.
Early in parenthood, I learned the words to the popular refrain "I said, Stop it! Did you hear me? I really mean it! Right now. This is your last chance to put that down. Erin? Erin! Did you hear me?" and so on. Erin, too, knew these lyrics by heart and so was understandably shocked when, several days after my second puppy class, I asked her only once to put down the television remote-control box before I peeled the bread dough from my fingers, crossed the room, removed the forbidden item from her hands, and set her in time-out. Before the week was over, she learned that once was all I was going to ask. By the time another week had passed, once was all that was needed.
Week Three: Leave a Young Dog With Temptation, and You Are Responsible for the Outcome
A puppy must be taught right and wrong behavior. He is not born knowing the difference between a Persian rug and a newspaper, a couch and a pet basket. Fortunately, he is capable of learning, but it takes time. Until an owner is very sure that the puppy knows the difference between a slipper and a doggie chew, it is the owner's responsibility to make sure that only the chew toy is left on the floor.
The Christmas after Erin's second birthday, Santa--dear Santa--stuffed her sock with a set of nonwashable markers. (In his defense, Santa was new at this and had never purchased children's drawing implements before.) A wiser, more experienced Santa now buys only washable markers, and a more experienced Mommy lets them be used only at the kitchen table, under supervision. This was not an easy or inexpensive lesson to learn: Erin now has newly painted walls, a freshly sanded dresser, and clean wallpaper--and it came two weeks too late.
Week Four: Chat in Sentences, but Command With a Word
A puppy has a limited vocabulary. Important messages are best communicated with one or two words.
"See that funny thing in the back yard?" I asked Erin, pointing to the new barbecue grill her father was filling with charcoal. "That is going to cook our hot dogs this summer. Just remember that it is hot, so you have to stay away from it. Okay, sweetie?"
Erin nodded as I set her down. Whoosh, the flames jumped to consume the lighter fluid. Erin made a beeline toward the grill.
"What are you doing?" I cried, clutching her arm.
"Want to see hot dogs," Erin explained innocently.
"It's hot, Erin, hot. Didn't you understand me?" I looked her straight in the eye. What I saw there made it obvious that she hadn't. From my barbecue soliloquy, she had extracted what, to her, was most important--hot dogs--and had lost the rest. I pointed to the grill.
"Hot," I told her. "Hot."
"Hot," Erin repeated, and then, smiling, added, "No-no."
Week Five: Never Hit Your Puppy; Give Him Lots of Physical Affection
Puppies who are punished by being hit become "hand shy" and will end up biting people who try to pet them. Puppies thrive on petting, stroking, and positive reinforcement.
By now, I was convinced of the connection between the rules for training a puppy and those for teaching a child. So after I attended this class with Killer, my husband and I sat down to reevaluate our disciplinary strategies toward Erin. There had been a few occasions when we had delivered a spank to her diaper-padded bottom or slapped her hand. The actions had achieved immediate results, but we had not considered the long-term impact this type of punishment would have on Erin. Now we decided to discipline our daughter using only the time-out method. We also began making an effort to catch Erin when she was being good and to reinforce that behavior with hugs and kisses.
Week Six: Snakeproofing Can Save Your Puppy's Life
In parts of the country where poisonous snakes are common, many dogs die each year when they mistake rattlers for play objects. Since dogs seem to have no natural fear of snakes, we must teach them to stay away. The process is simple: A snake is put in the middle of the classroom floor, and owners walk their pet past. As they near the snake, the owner screams, jumps, and races away as though terrified. Before long, the puppy, having picked up on his master's fear, is shying away from the reptile on his own.
Erin loved the street. It seemed to beckon her in a language only a child could hear. No matter how many times I warned her to stay on the sidewalk, she would wander just one little step or two, or maybe three, into forbidden territory.
Again and again I told her, "It is dangerous to go in the street without a grown-up holding your hand. A car can bump you."
Erin didn't believe me. Why should she? Her parents went into the street and came back just fine!
Finally, my concern over her safety drove me to take dramatic action. The next time she pursued a ball into the street, I was on her heels. Grabbing her hand, I began to shriek and sob, all the while pulling her toward the sidewalk. By the time we reached safety, Erin was crying also, upset by my hysteria, and promised never to run into the street again. The neighbors gawking from their porches probably thought I was crazy. I might have been tempted to agree, except that my radical measures did indeed achieve radical results.
Week Seven: Socialize a Puppy
Puppies kept housebound become dogs who are skittish and uncontrollable around people. Puppies need to experience different sights, smells, and sounds in order to become comfortable around them.
It wasn't until that snow-globe incident at Grandmother's house that I realized how limited Erin's experiences had been. She loved to go out, and she knew how to sit in a grocery cart, behave at a playgroup, and take turns on the park swing. But we had never taken her into a nice restaurant, a concert, or a house that wasn't childproofed. She needed to be taught the difference between things she could touch and things she couldn't, times to be quiet and times when it was okay to be noisy, places to sit in her seat and places she could run around. And the only way to do that was to chaperone her through those experiences. My husband and I began to make an effort to introduce Erin to new situations, to monitor and coach her in appropriate behavior.
Class Dismissed
Puppy school was an enormous success. Everyone graduated: Killer with her diploma and I with a transferable plan of action and a good deal of confidence. I was so thrilled with my newly acquired strategies that I never expected the negative response that erupted from some of my friends.
"Erin is a child, not a puppy!" one mother informed me as she tried to pull her son from the back of my sofa. "Stevie, get down from there! Did you hear me? I mean it. I really mean it!"
I had to smile. Of course I knew the difference between children and puppies. Erin never cried all night or refused to share one of her squeaky toys. Killer never dirtied the living room rug or bit a guest. Other than that, they are amazingly similar.
Killer and I just went back to doggie school for her master's degree. May Erin and I do as well.
Kerry Arquette is a writer and the mother of two daughters and a son.