Savage Love

Distressed & Disgusted

Readers—mostly female readers—were outraged: Before breaking up, before cheating, before drinking heavily, couldn't SAS try being honest? Why didn't I tell SAS to tell his boyfriend that the weight was a turn-off and that SAS was seriously thinking about ending the relationship if the boyfriend didn't lose those extra pounds? By not recommending a little honesty first—by pushing a breakup instead of a little heart-to-heart—I had revealed myself to be a cynical and heartless faggot.

HARD's letter arrived when I was sorting through all this outraged e-mail about SAS and I thought, "Gee, I wonder what would happen if I cobbled together a response for this hetero HARD from all this advice these women sent in for this sissy SAS?" The advice you read in this space for HARD—all about being honest and open (including those now-infamous conversation starters like, "You have gotten fat and unattractive and my sex drive is nil, so can we do something about it before I bail on you?")—was written by my female readers. All I did was change the pronouns from male to female.

And guess what? It turns out that honesty—at least when we're talking about a woman's fat ass—isn't the best policy after all. Honesty about a partner's premature and avoidable physical deterioration is only fit for faggots, it seems. So what should HARD tell his wife? My outraged readers weigh in:

Your advice to HARD was WAY off. I'm a firm believer in truthful, open communication, but not in this area. I have a close friend who dumped her boyfriend because he told her she had gotten too fat. We all hate him now for saying that. HARD needs to realize that being overweight lowers a woman's self-esteem. He should approach her gently, say absolutely nothing about not being attracted to her, and play the "I'm concerned only about your health and well-being" card.

If he takes your advice and tells her she needs to shape up or he's shipping out, hopefully she will muster the self-respect to dump him—just like my friend dumped her asshole ex-boyfriend who was "just being honest."

An Angry Fat Girl

Gotcha, AAFG—HARD should play the "health and well-being" card and refrain from being honest. Righto.

I'm sure you've been slammed plenty for the advice you gave to HARD, so I'll keep it short: Don't EVER tell someone to "bring up the health thing," as you did in your response.

Each and every one of us fatties soon learns that this is code for "I think you're ugly and disgusting but I'm not allowed to say that so I'll just pretend I'm concerned for you." All kinds of people—distant aunts, strangers on the subway, siblings' one-night stands—who don't bat an eyelash at your smoking like a fish or drinking like a chimney are suddenly so concerned about your well-being. Which is why most of us fatties react very badly to anyone bringing it up. Honesty is good, but "bringing up the health thing" is not really helping since a fat person equates it with dishonesty.

You're No Health Guru

Gotcha, YNHG—don't bring up the health thing. Righto.