Savage Love

Lest I be accused of waging a War on Christmas by the pro-Christmas lobby—oh, whatever would I do if the all-powerful puckerbutts at the American Family Association called for a boycott of Savage Love?—I'm presenting a heartwarming selection of how-I-lost-my-virginity horror stories submitted by my readers.

I was an 18-year-old virgin with visions of Hollywood movie sex—perfect lighting and angles, climax together, etc. Instead, my first penetration made the same impression as a tampon, and ended so quickly that I was sure he hadn't come. I was angry that he faked it, so I broke up with him the next day. About a month later I discovered he hadn't faked his orgasm: I was pregnant! After the abortion, I was a tad leery about the sex thing: fucking = pregnancy.

Fucking Happily Now

I got my cherry popped when I was 15 years old, by a 22-year-old man. We were making out on a reclining plastic pool chair. When I told him I wanted to do it, he hopped right in. The initial pain gave way to a feeling of pressure "down there." I naively thought that maybe if I let my body release this pressure, I would get my big "O." I let go of the pressure... and immediately started peeing. It flowed through the chair's slats and hit the concrete beneath us in a steady stream. Try stopping your flow of urine while you are being pumped. You can't. I died a million deaths while he finished. When it was over, I asked him how he felt about being my first. "Well, sleeping with a virgin is kind of a pain in the ass," he said, quickly followed by, "Did you pee?"

Pool Party Girl

After the stereotypical first fumbling experience, which lasted about three minutes before I shot my wad, I laid down next to my girlfriend (failing to notice how very disappointed she looked), stroked her hair, and asked, "How many times did you come?"

MN

By 19 I was eager to lose my virginity, not yet having discovered my Sapphic proclivity. I turned down some enthusiastic offers (dear, sweet Tag!), and instead chose a cycling maniac like myself. I remember being under-impressed with the event ("Is that all there is?") and he seemed disappointed that I didn't bleed. After we finished, the condom came off his flaccid dick INSIDE ME. I freaked and ran to the bathroom. The whole household got involved with suggestions and solutions. Looking back, it's pretty funny, but I was mortified at the time.

Bike Geek Love

It's so common that it's a cliché: A girl loses her virginity and thinks, "Is that it?" Except that I'm a boy. I had expected that it would feel amazingly better than jerking off or blowjobs, but it didn't. So when she asked me what I thought, I wanted to say, "Is that it?" But I decided to soften the blow while telling the truth. "Um... I've, ah... had better," I said.

Bzzzt! WRONG!

Naked Cuddling Rocks

I lost my virginity during a one-night stand to a goofy guy I met my freshman year at Washington State University. The relationship didn't work out, and I relayed my woes to my brother. A few weeks later, my family came to visit for "Mom's Weekend." While we were shopping at the mall I saw the goofy guy. I went to my brother and said, "That's the guy I lost my virginity to." My brother couldn't spot him, so I kept loudly pointing the boy out until a woman next to me said, "You mean my son John?" When she looked at me with that same goofy smile I knew that she was definitely his mother. Ouch!

Still Shamed