Savage Love

I was cruising for sex online and made a date to meet up with two guys for anonymous play. When we arrived at the one guy's apartment, he asked us if we would fuck him bareback. I said no, but the other guy said he would. The bottom then asked us if we were both negative, and we both answered yes. Here's the problem: The other guy (not the bottom) had the appearance of someone taking HIV meds. He looked very positive. I asked the bottom if he was negative. "Definitely," he said. "I just got tested." I told him I would only fuck him with a condom, but he then asked the other guy to do him bareback and come in his ass. I again interjected: "I always play safe," I said. I was hoping the bottom might give it some more thought, but he kept on asking the other guy for his load. At that point, I told them both I couldn't stay and got dressed. On my way out, I tossed a condom on the couch and said, "Just in case you change your mind."

My Brother's Keeper?

You could have done more, MBK, much, much more--and we'll get to exactly what in a moment. But first I'd like to address some of the other issues raised by your letter:

First, that bottom boy--that stupid, stupid faggot--can't "definitely" know that he's negative. He could have been infected too recently for his last HIV test to come back positive. And judging from his behavior--inviting multiple strangers over to fuck him and then begging them to come in his ass--odds are good that he's carrying around a number of other sexually transmitted diseases even if he isn't HIV-positive.

Second, you say the other top "looked very positive." I don't want to give my readers the impression that HIV-positive guys all look a certain way. There are already too many gay guys out there eyeballing guys, deciding they look "clean," and then engaging in unprotected sex. Listen up, you stupid, stupid faggots: Not all positive guys "look" positive. If that were the case, only batshit-crazy "bugchasers" would ever get infected. HOWEVER: Some poz guys on meds suffer from physical side effects that are instantly recognizable--primarily "facial wasting," or lipoatrophy. Guys with facial wasting, i.e., deep grooves where their cheekbones used to be, do indeed "look very positive."

Third, hooking up with strangers for anonymous sex qualifies as "taking part in unsafe play," condoms or no condoms. For some guys the thrills of anonymous sex are worth the occasional STD or the small chance of being a victim of violent crime. But let's not be naive, my fellow homos. Anonymous sex is risky sex.

Okay, MBK, let's get to your specific question: Could you have done more? Let's take a quick look at what you did do: You used a lot of "I" statements--"I told him I would only fuck him with a condom..." "'I always play safe,' I said..." "I told them both I couldn't stay..."--then you tossed a condom on the couch and left.

Ah, "I" statements. Therapists and counselors love 'em because they come in awfully handy in couples counseling, for instance, or family therapy. "I" statements are useful whenever people are discussing explosive subjects with people they hope to maintain a relationship with. "I" statements are so sensitive! And so nonjudgmental! But in the situation in which you found yourself, MBK, "I" statements are so fucking useless.

When total strangers are about to do something dangerous and self-destructive, MBK, feel free to liberally use "you" statements. Who cares if you pissed off that stupid, stupid bottom by saying, "You shouldn't let guys fuck you in the ass without using condoms, you stupid motherfucker!" It's not like you were going to see him again, right? If that didn't work, you could have said, "You would be an idiot to let someone come in your ass just because he tells you he's negative." "You are going to get HIV doing shit like this." And there's always that ol' conversation starter, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

The above "you" statements are all for the stupid, stupid bottom, of course. Here's one you should have used on the other top: "You look like you're positive. Are you lying about your HIV status?"